toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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