he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
did i walk over a car last night?
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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