her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
