I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
