i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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