You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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