Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Randomize
