Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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