i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
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