does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
