I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
