What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Randomize
