if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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