My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize
