We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Randomize
