I looked at my own cervix.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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