it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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