apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
