508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
