Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
You can't motorboat a personality
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
