She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
