You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
