i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
