My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
