How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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