I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
