I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
