Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
