Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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