she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
