Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Randomize
