I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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