How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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