I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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