Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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