What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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