youre lurking in front of me
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
