Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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