she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
