i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
how does that bad decision feel?
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
