I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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