Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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