What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
