I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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