and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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