This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
