I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
