I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Randomize
