you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
