Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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