The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
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